Someone asked me what body part I was most self conscious about and I answered “my eyebrows”.

I feel so low when people point and laugh at my eyebrows, it’s humiliating. 

Yes, I get it, I have arab bushy eyebrows, thank you, let’s move on now.

Everyone dresses so nicely in this hot weather, and here I am struggling with sweaters.

I hate the hot.

I don’t even want to say it, but the reason I have this blog is so that I can just write/type it all out. 

Let me start off by saying that I have never felt like such a shitty friend as I’ve felt this past week. I’m terrible at relationships, and I always come out looking like an asshole.

My  best friends birthday recently passed and I didn’t do anything about it. Nothing. I didn’t even say happy birthday. I don’t know why though. I mean, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m sitting there, with the phone in my hand, about to dial and sing her happy birthday but I just couldn’t do it. I’m racking my brain trying to figure out why I couldn’t say “happy birthday” on my friends 18th brithday. I didn’t even write it on facebook, which was the least I could do. I didn’t even get her a gift for christs sake. I just went through the day without doing a thing for her birthday. I’m really glad other friends said/did nice things for her, and her family was amazing too. I’m glad, but I have to admit I feel like shit. I should feel like shit though. 

Today I saw her, and I couldn’t help but notice she was avoiding me. She probably thinks it’s personal, which can’t be true because if there was anyone who I would want to go out of my way for on their brithday, it would  be her. Maybe it’s just me. I hate birthdays, did I menion that yet? I never feel worse than on my/somebody else’s birthday.

I have friends that know her who are following me here, and I feel weird knowing they can read this, but it had to be said. I don’t think I can even apologize to her. What’s done is done. I’m no friend.

I’ve been feeling very lonely lately, which is a feeling I rarely get because I usually prefer to be alone. Now that I think about it, I realize I haven’t had an actual conversation with someone for over 2 months. I mean a real one, not those bullshit meaningless conversations.

So this is what it’s like to have no one to talk to..

I realize that some of the posts I re-blog may be offensive to some people. I want to make it clear that if I offend you I did not mean to. I am open to discussion/debate about any topic you feel I may be incorrect in or misinformed. Obviously I wouldn’t have re-blogged/posted it if I didn’t agree with it, so it will take some convincing. I’m human, I make mistakes and I’m cool if you want to correct me. Again, this is just a general apology to anyone I have or might offend.

Nothing irritates me more than when a person doesn’t understand what the words “no” and “stop” mean. They are simple words, with simple meanings, but for some reason many people just can’t comprehend them. 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

I should have known

Sometimes I wonder if i’m just wasting my own breath when speaking to people. In the middle of me talking I’ll look into their eyes and try to decipher if they’re actually listening. Most of the time I can’t tell. And then I hate it when people say “oh you just need someone to listen to you”. NO! That’s not what I need, what I need is for you to take into account of what I just said and then continue a relevant conversation with me. Other times I wonder if i’m the problem. All I want is for people to get over themselves and look at the bigger picture here. I feel like I’m being cheated out of a beautiful life I should be having here on earth. Honestly, I’d like to get through this crap and just be. 

Fading, into a image not even a picture can hold. Eyes fall back, into the same nothingness they once held, who are you? or should i say who am I? What am i doing? I’m imagining. On how life will now be. It has changed, just like the leaves on the Tree’s. The changing leaves that will fall, and be replaced with something better.

Something Better?

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I used to be a magician when it came to pretending to be something I was not. Making myself appear and disappear. I knew how to twist things around. Mold myself into different shapes. It was all smoke and mirrors with me then. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. It hurt too much. It hurt too much to see others be fooled. I gave up that art, and I refuse to surround myself with people that insist to practice it. I guess that’s why I’ve been distant with a few of my friends lately. I can see right through them. I know their tricks.